You know what sucks? Being afraid to go to bed at night in fear of what your next nightmare is going to be. It’s either I pass out early and wake up numerous times throughout the night or pass out really late and wake up once or twice. And what scary is these nightmares are so vivid and feel so real. Every single night I have a nightmare of some sort. Whether it’s me getting kidnapped or the world being taken over or me witnessing a murder or watching the people I love and care about get killed. That’s what I deal with every single fucking night. Every one I tell thinks I’m insane or just laughs at how crazy it is. So I sit there and laugh but I’m physically and emotionally drained out all the time. I can’t keep living like this. I don’t care about school, I don’t care if I don’t hangout with friends or whatever, I’ve lost interest in everything and I don’t know what to do. Fuck.
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I miss those little cute moments with my ex. I miss those sleepovers when me and my friends stayed up all night talking about everything and everyone. I miss those days when I was younger and the only problem in my life was getting a scrape on my knee or not getting that toy for Christmas or my birthday. I’m going to be seventeen on Saturday. SEVENTEEN. That doesn’t seem like a long time but it is. I’m going to college next summer. And then I’m off on my own in about 5-10 years. That’s fucking scary. Like where did time go? I wish I remembered all of those little moments in my life. It makes me teary eyed. I know this might sound selfish but I don’t want to grow up. I want to be seventeen forever. Yeah, I might have a lot of stress in my life, but I don’t mind it. I need to take advantage of these years now. Today is the youngest I’m ever going to be and the oldest I’ve ever been. So why am I sitting here stressing over all of this shit. I only live once. I have one life to fuck up, have fun, find love, make friends, so why don’t I just go out and fucking do it already? Good question, I don’t fucking know. I need to start appreciating the little things in life and stop worrying about the shit that isn’t going to matter 10 years from now. I’ll admit, I fuck up a lot more than any human being should and I’m sorry for everyone I hurt because of it. But I’m learning from those mistakes. I may not always think and I may not always listen and I’m sorry. But that’s who I am and I tried to change myself for the better but I can’t seem to do it. I always end up fucking up more so I’m done trying to impress people. If you don’t appreciate me for who I am then fuck you, I don’t need you in my life. I’d rather have no friends and be alone than have friends that back stab me and fight with me all the time. You know what screws us up the most? It’s the picture in our minds of how it’s suppose to be. But honestly there is no destiny for any of us, only a journey. And no, I don’t wish to go back in my past because history repeats itself so it’s bound to happen again. But whatever. Fuck it. I’m going out living my life with no regret and if no one likes it then they can go fuck them selves and stay out of my life.
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